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January 2, 2005
The Dimwit Zone - A Future 51% of the Voters Want to Avoid
Ben:...and Duck Pie. In other news the state of Massachussetts broke a matrimonial record today. Here's F-I-L-L with the facts.
Phil: It's spelled P-H-I-L, and it was only a small rip in the sheet metal in the car door, let it go already. [To Audience] It is a happy day for Doris Welbutton and Matthew Fleece today in Cambridge, Massachussetts. The marriage of Doris, a 32-year-old animal rights lobbyist from New Jersey, to Matthew, a 7-year-old sheep from Vermont, marks the 25th human/animal marriage performed here. This is certain to get the Commonwealth into the Guinness book of records for most inter-species weddings in a single month.
Ben: I notice there's a crowd behind you waving placards. Are they protesting human/animal marriage?
Phil: These people are protesting the Supreme Court's annullment of the marriage between 68-year-old lawyer Randall Jones and his biological daughter. Behind them is a group supporting the right to human/corpse marriages, led by former Congresswoman Martha Simmons, who wants to marry King George the Third.
Ben: O-kay. I noticed the ring on your finger: who's the lucky girl?
Phil: I'm glad you noticed, Ben. You'll be happy to know I'm engaged to marry my transexual son, who as you know died dring an unsuccessful species-change operation. Such unions are currently illegal, but the mayor of San Francisco supports us, and that's a good sign.
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