The Conservative Cat

... in the morning. Supplies have started to pour in, and the operation has been going smoothly. We've only hit two minor hitches so far; first, some kid changed the first S on the hull to a B, he was dealt with accordingly, and second, why in the world would a Submarine need three crates full of cigars?...

... something to take their minds of the drugdery, and the female officers. It is a well documented fact that submarines these days are equipped to support both male and female crew, but the four women assigned to this vessel were not issued beds for some reason. Are they supposed to sleep with the men? I have filed the appropriate paperwork with the Administration's Office. I must also remember to write a similar letter to the Supply Office with regards to the female officer's equipment. It seems to me that issuing the women with diving gear would make more sense than knee pads...

...our third week out. A strange man pulled up in a dingy while we were replenishing our Oxygen supply and just generally taking a break, and requested that we take him along as a full fledged seaman. When I asked him about references and training, he claimed that he had completed a course in Oceanography and had intended to follow through on that career but had never accually done the paperwork. It seems strange that he would decide to make the jump from civilian to Navy man in a single step. I tried to disuade him peacefully, but he just kept going on about how he, "felt my pain," and how much he cared. The crew liked him, but something about the guy made my hair stand on end. I eventually had to dodge him altogether by taking the sub underwater and going out to sea. I always had the feeling this assignment was the short straw...

...and now this! As though it wasn't bad enough that all through our deployment we've been suffering from minor setbacks and technical gliches, now I have to deal with a case of dementia! One of our ensigns has gone mad, he keeps shouting, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." We have no idea what he's talking about, but we're having him restrained anyway...

... my last entry. We were escorting a French cruiser when we were spotted by a Palestinian war vessel. As soon as the Palestinians oppened fire the French ship ran away at max speed, leaving us to do the fighting. I immediately fired the main torpedo tube. I was shocked when the torpedo failed to explode, but instead opened to reveal large amounts of money. At the same time the torpedo made contact, the radio started transmitting, "Take the money in exchange for your word that you will not harm us, don't worry we trust you," with a suspicious-sounding Arkansas accent. The Palestinians were only too happy to take the money, and continue attacking. I doubt if I will make it out of this alive. I know Mrs. Clinton is the Commander in Chief, but I can't shake the feeling this sub is some sort of elaborate...[here the entry ends abruptly]