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April 3, 2005

Notes from Ferdy - Open Season on Cat Hunters

by Ferdinand T Cat

It turns out that the cute, fuzzy animals in La Crosse, Wisconsin, are being wiped out by feral cats. To protect them, a local firefighter has come up with a proposal: allow people to hunt cats. Bruce and I first learned about this turn of events here. According to that article, some people are protesting, while others are circulating petitions. I, however, am not worried.

The operative phrase here is superior life form.

Outside of the occasional pampered pedigree longhair, the cat is designed to blend into the background at a moment's notice. At full speed, they can run 45 miles an hour. When disturbed by a sound or air movement, the cat can launch itself three feet straight up at superhuman reaction speeds. Your only chance at bagging one of us is to get lucky with a long-distance sniper rifle. The U.S. Marines scare me, but I refuse to get worked up about a bunch of gin-soaked good old boys.

There is, however, a more serious consideration: the bipolar receptors in a cat's eyes are specifically designed to measure speed and direction. This enables the cat's brain to plot an instantaneous attack solution that culminates in a bite powerful enough to snap an animal's spine.

You do not ever want to put yourself in a position where it would be to our advantage to apply that capability to your testicles.

Respectfully submitted

Ferdinand T. Cat


# At Sun 9:49 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (1) | More Notes from Ferdy

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Tracked on April 6, 2005 7:41 PM

Comments

I have a (rather lengthy) list of candidates. I can forward it if you'd care to visit the Old Dominion. Will furnish food, drink and catnip. Companionship of opposite gender usually available directly across the street. Will stop traffic. Endless supply of pigeons available in back yard, must negotiate hunting rights with Orange Kitty and a red-tailed hawk.


Posted by: Leon Jester at April 4, 2005 9:01 PM

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