The Conservative Cat

I think homo sapiens is the only species on the planet that's developed so many ways to be miserable when you're having fun. Even the Girl Who Feeds Me, who is exceptionally sensible for a human, suffers from this fault. She'll spend her hard-earned baby-sitting money on a video game and be so pleased when she brings it home; but while playing it she'll scream at the TV, throw the controller at the console, and generally be a cranky pain in the neck. If you ask me, she'd be better off just buying the games and never playing them. (Most video game manufacturers agree with me on this, by the way.)

I think the problem is that humans think they're rational. Platitudes like "it's how you play the game" and "words can never hurt me" are attempts to impose a rational way of thinking on emotional impulses that are completely beyond your control. As with most things, cats have a better way of dealing with this. We just say, "Hey, I'm having an emotion that makes no sense!" For example, when the Other Cat is scared, she emits a pheromone that causes your ears to go flat and the hair on your tail to stand up. When the Interloper scents this, she immediately switches to barking mooncat mode and the two of them end up leaving bits of fur all over the floor. I just say to myself, "I feel angry, but it's not my problem," and then I can go back to sleep. It's far less painful.

Conservatives have it all over liberals when it comes to this procedure. A conservative sees a homeless person, gives him a dollar, and goes away feeling he's done something to make the world a little better. A liberal in the same situation can't escape the feeling he's not doing enough and won't be happy until he's convinced the government to pour billions of dollars into Make Poverty History or something equally bold and goofy.

But games are still a problem. The whole point in playing them is to win, and if you keep losing, it's not helping to say that it's really how you play the game. What does help is to realize that you have a long life ahead of you, and either you're going to learn how to win the stupid thing or you're going to decide it's not worth the trouble. That means there's light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, you can ease the pain by giving your cat an extra cheese snack.

That's what Bruce does, and I've been extremely happy with the results.

Respectfully submitted,

Ferdinand T. Cat