The Conservative Cat

Tiffany: So...uh this is a great honor to have you all here. Let's get on with the show huh? So, to start, what do you think about Saddam's actual trial being in mid-late November?

Death: I'M EXTREMELY ANNOYED AT THIS DEVELOPEMENT. THAT MAN HAS CAUSED ME NOTHING BUT TROUBLE EVER SINCE HE ACHIEVED POWER. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH EXTRA PAPERWORK IS INVOLVED IN PROCESSING TORTURED SOULS? HE OWES ME PUNITIVE DAMAGES FOR ALL THAT EXTRA WORK! YOU MORTALS HAVE HAD YOUR TURN. TURN HIM OVER TO ME, I HAVE PLANS FOR HIM.

God: Well, I have no feelings about when the trial is, but regardless of its outcome, he will find no favor with me. The man is heartless, ruthless, and his favorite food is Cheetos. Have you ever tried to get Cheeto crumbs out of a shag carpet? I wish to have nothing to do with him.

Satan: As much as I hate to admit it, he's done nothing for me either. The man insists on killing decent people and hiring evil ones. How am I supposed to keep up with the Opposition when the psychopaths are the only ones getting decent health care?

Tiffany: So none of you are supporting this misunderstood man?

Satan: (shuddering) I have a section of hell ready for him designed by a committee of tax accountants.

God: I have six angelic divisions prepared to bar his entrance to Heaven. And if they fail, I have a complete recording of John Kerry's acceptance speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention. We can toss him out while he's sleeping.

Death: I HAVE NO INTENTION OF GIVING THIS MAN ANY FAVORS, AFTER ALL, HE NEVER DID ME ANY.

Tiffany: But still, do you think it's right to have him tried in an area that hates him so much?

Death: AND RISK HAVING HIM GET OFF SCOTT FREE? IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION?

Satan:: Don't be ridiculous. Did you hear how he stopped bathing to protest his imprisonment? On his way to the arraignment a female skunk tried to mate with him.

God: Plus there's the Cheeto thing.

Tiffany: I can see where God and Death were coming from, but what about you Satan? Your stand doesn't make sense to me. Isn't he the embodiment of everything you stand for?

Satan: If you mean is he one of the top contenders for Most Evil Despot, Third World Division, the answer is yes. If you mean on the other hand that he did things that would make him like me, then the answer is no. I'm a tempter by nature. The ultimate goal is to bring large groups of souls through my gates. Simply being the most evil entity on the planet is not enough, you have to give me souls, and slaughtering the innocent, while amusing at first, is not a good way to do it. As I said before, everyone he killed went to God's territory, I only get his followers, and I had to wait for the U.S. Army to invade to get any of them through the gates.

Tiffany: So, do you think that this misguided man has any hope of recieving proper justice and being released to see any remnants of his family?

God: You really should stop reading the teleprompter and use that brain thing I designed for you.

Satan: G, you didn't create talk show hosts, I did. Along with newscasters, lawyers, televangelists, priests...

Death: I THINK THAT BY NOW IT'S OBVIOUS THAT NONE OF US ARE ON HIS SIDE, AND PERSONALLY, I CAN'T THINK OF ANY CREDIBLE PEOPLE WHO ARE. THE REPRESENTATIONS OF GOOD AND EVIL ARE AGAINST HIM, AND AS THE ONLY CONSTANT FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE, I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT THE FORCES OF NATURE ARE RALLIED AGAINST HIM AS WELL.

Tiffany: What would you all do if he was declared innocent?. Personally, I hope he is.

Satan: Michael Jackson, the NAACP, afirmative action advocates, PETA....

God: As a force for good, and an advocate of second chances I am not allowed to say.

Satan: Dummies books, Communists,...

Death: I HAVE THREE FRIENDS I MET ON THE STEEPLECHASE CIRCUIT TO HANDLE THAT POSSIBILITY. I TRIED TO GET RON INTO IT, BUT BEING A MILKMAN IS SUCH A DEMANDING JOB HE COULDN'T COMMIT TO ANYTHING..

Satan: the ACLU, reality television,...

Tiffany: Well, thank you all for coming, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today. Again I'm Tiffany, and I'm here with God, Death, and Satan saying, "Good night everyone."

God: Good night. Dev, you can stop now.

Satan:.... hot air blow-dryers in public washrooms... Huh? Oh! Sorry, good bye.

Death: SEE YOU TOMORROW, TIFFANY.

Tiffany: But I don't air again until next week...