The Conservative Cat

There are, of course, many difficulties in trying to find the true story of President Clinton. The so-called Clinton years were in the late 1990s, a period in which much of the news was controlled by a shadowy-- and notoriously innacurate-- entity called The MSM. According to one newspaper account dated in early 1993, Clinton claimed to be "the first President in 12 years" to visit the Vietnam War Memorial, even though the Vietnam War Memorial was only 10 years old at the time! In a radio commercial a few years later, Bill Clinton is purported to have said that WLS-AM was his favorite radio station as a boy, but WLS-- a Chicago radio station-- cannot be heard in Hope, Arkansas, the city where Clinton was born (and which gave him his nickname: "The Man from Hope"). Most bizarre of all, Clinton's longtime friend and sidekick-- the so-called "AlGore"-- is alleged to have said in an interview that Clinton's political career began during the Little Rock Segregation Crisis of 1957. Yet, if Clinton became President in 1993 at the age of 46, he would have been only 11 years old during the Little Rock episode.

Of course, AlGore is an even more impossible figure: he invented the Internet, he was elected President in 2000, he was a tobacco farmer who fought to destroy the tobacco industry, and so forth and so on. It is almost certain that AlGore is a completely fictional character created long after the fact, like Lancelot in the King Arthur legend. Clinton's advisor and co-President was probably James Carville or Hillary Clinton-- both of whom have well-documented political careers in the post-Clinton era. The idea of Hillary Clinton as Vice-President also explains one of the biggest contradictions of the Clinton myth. To accept Hillary as Clinton's wife, you would have to believe that one of the smartest women in the world was completely oblivious to the fact that she was married to a compulsive philanderer! If Hillary is Vice-President, it also explains her role in the Health Care Crisis. According to legend, Hillary developed a plan to save the country from a terrible plague, but the plan was defeated by an army of zombies controlled by a terrible grinch. It makes no sense that a President would send his own wife to fight an army of zombies. More likely, Hillary Clinton, in the role of Vice President, was the point person for some kind of health-care plan, and it failed to pass the Senate. Our current President-- George W. Bush-- often uses his Vice President as a policy point man, so it is a plausible explanation. Also, it's not a big stretch to believe the filibuster-crazy Senate could pass into legend as an army of zombies.

We may never know what really happened during the 1990s; however, if we understand that the newspaper accounts of the period were possibly distorted or exaggerated, we can begin to piece together a realistic picture of those dark times. I believe I've put together a plausible explanation for part of the Clinton myth, but I've still only scratched the surface. There are many questions still unanswered.

• How much of the Jim Carrey movie How the Grinch Stole Christmas reflects the actual events of the 1994 Congressional elections?
• Was the real Clinton a pacifist who refused to serve in the army, or a militarist who bombed aspirin factories whenever he got angry with Congress?
• If Clinton was the most powerful man in the world, how could he have been forced into a bizarre sexual relationship with a woman barely old enough to vote?
• Why do the people who believe that the Clinton Bible is literally true call themselves "the reality-based community"?

We may never know the answers to some of these questions, but if we accept the fact that there was a real person behind the Clinton myth, we have a chance to learn at least some of the truth.