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January 5, 2006

Ferdy at the Movies - The Rudolph Valentino Syndrome

by Ferdinand T Cat

One of the great hardships of living with Bruce is that he's a movie buff. This means that while I'm sitting in my favorite chair I must periodically endure DVDs of films that are considered classic for one reason or another. The latest was Rudolph Valentino's breakthrough film The Sheik.

This is an old film, and that presents its own set of problems. For one thing, if you get distracted by a strange noise (such as somebody opening the cheese drawer in the refridgerator), you will find yourself hopelessly lost when you turn your attention back to the screen. In addition, the sepia-toned film process makes all the women look the same. I realize, of course, that as a cat I lack the specialized brain circuitry for analyzing human facial differences, but would it kill these people to use name tags?

The plot of this film is beyond scary. Valentino plays an Arab prince who has been educated in Paris. It was apparently a different world back then, because instead of setting cars on fire, Valentino falls for an English dancer and kidnaps her for his harem. The woman is forced to endure many hardships, including wearing a burka and trying to communicate with a servant who speaks only French. The key transition point occurs when the captive Englishwoman talks to a romance novelist about the lack of tenderness in the sort of man who is attracted to beautiful women, and how this has become her curse. It's a completely idiotic idea: beauty is not a curse, it's merely a good reason for learning how to break a man's legs with your bare hands. Trust me, nothing tenderizes a man like a ride in an ambulance with a paramedic asking him how he would rate the pain on a scale of 1 to 10.

Eventually Valentino learns the tenderness thing and the captive English maiden realizes that she loves him. She is immediately captured by a rival tribe and Valentino's tribe rides into battle so they can bring her back. The battle is totally unrealistic: both tribes use rifles, but they insist on holding them upright and firing into the air. I suppose the idea here is that you try to shoot birds out of the sky so they fall on the other guys and knock them senseless. I'm sure this has many advantages-- after the fight's over you can cook the dead birds for dinner-- but according to my research it is not at all how Arab rifle companies fought in those days.

So, if you're looking for a romantic film, skip The Sheik and rent Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungles of Death. Trust me: it's much more realistic.

Respectfully submitted,

Ferdinand T. Cat


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Comments

Come on, Ferdy, you know you'd enjoy Cat-Women of the Moon (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0045609/)-- those 1953 sci-fi films have never been surpassed! Ask your pet to rent it for you, if he's not too busy getting you some cheese.


Posted by: Connecticut Yankee at January 5, 2006 3:34 AM

This is a very interesting site. Kudos for creating and updating it. 5th best. lol. What are your top four?


Posted by: movie fan at August 10, 2007 5:44 PM

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