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January 18, 2006

Ferdy at the Movies - The Apocalypse

by Ferdinand T Cat

Like any film junkie, Bruce suscribes to Netflix. Yesterday a new movie came in called The Apocalypse. Bruce rented this movie because it was on his recommendations list. I don't know why that happened, except that in the cast biography it says that the star-- Sandra Bernhard-- is popular among lesbians, and Bruce's Netflix ID is the EMAIL address that's on the lesbian mailing list.

Here's an important tip: in a movie blurb, the word quirky means not funny. If something is genuinely wacky, it's called off-beat. If it's only going to be funny to hard core movie buffs, it's a cult favorite. Quirky means that even the guy who writes the blurb can't find anything good to say.

If you are a Sandra Bernhard fan, you are going to be disappointed, because most of the screen time is taken by Laura San Giacomo. If you are a Laura San Giacomo fan, you will be disappointed because all she does is recite Shakespeare. If you are a college student studying for a Shakespeare final, this movie is for you. Just be sure to speed through the fight scenes so that you don't fall asleep.

The basic plot of the flim is that Laura San Giacomo recites two of the soliloquies from Hamlet, then reprograms the computer of a ship full of explosives so that it will crash into Earth. Unaware of this fact, space ship captain Sandra Bernhard recruits a bartender (Cameron Dye) and a bunch of salvage specialists (led by Frank Zagarino) to help her board the ship and steal the explosives. Zagarino stages a mutiny, which leads to a bunch of fights involving guns, kicking, and wisecracks about human mating habits. In between the wisecracks, Lee Arenberg is forced to watch an interactive video in which Laura San Giacomo recites famous phrases from Shakespeare and he must fill in the blanks. This is the part which is helpful if you're studying for the Shakespeare final. Theoretically, if Lee fills in all the blanks correctly, he'll gain control of the ship so they can steal the explosives and save Earth. In the meantime, Sandra and Cameron Dye try their own methods for stoping the ship. The problem is, Zagarino thwarts them at every turn. According to one of his henchmen, Zagarino is not worried about the ship blowing up because he's really smart. This is the only laugh line in the film, but I'm pretty sure it was meant to be serious.

The film is rated R for violence. I believe this is due to the scenes where Frank Zagarino ties somebody to a chair and then kills them after telling them they're stupid. As far as I can tell, no one gets hurt in the fight scenes or gun battles. In fact, I'm not even sure the people in the hand-to-hand fight scenes were in the same room.

So, if you want to see science fiction comedy, give this film a miss and rent Dark Star instead. It's a little bit off-beat, but no one would ever call it quirky.

Respectfully submitted,

Ferdinand T. Cat


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I have seen this film (on TV somewhere). I remember reading in the "guide" window that it contained nudity, and that it was sci-fi, so I was like "how bad can it be?"

I don't even remember how it ended. I just remember all the stuff you mentioned in your post -- the Shakespeare, Sandra Bernhardt, the killing scene...

A truly non-memorable movie.


Posted by: Josh Cohen at January 19, 2006 7:14 AM

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