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August 14, 2006

Confused Americans for Truth - Nasrallah Points the Way to a New Kind of Warfare

The big story today is the fact that Hezbollah leader Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah is claiming a "strategic and historic" victory in Lebanon. Having proven Hezbollah's ability to protect Lebanon from an Israeli invasion, he feels it would be a mistake to disarm his forces and turn the territory over to UNIFIL or the Lebanese army.

The standard response to this proclamation is to argue that Nasrallah has lost touch with reality. This, however, misses the point, which is that the actual military activities in the ground during the Lebanon War had very little to do with the course of the war. In fact, many key events in the war were staged for the benefit of the press.

Thus, it would be a major shift in directions to use the actual facts to determine who won.

But if that's the case, then why have the actual fighting at all? The entire war could be conducted in the news media without any of the bombing and rocket attacks that made this whole thing so expensive.

I'm pretty sure the Israelis would go along with this, but Hezbollah's support is doubtful, because, as we all know, Hezbollah's goal is to kill all the Jews in the vicinity, and the death rate for people on a movie set is much lower than what you get by throwing around medium-range missiles. Still, if Hezbollah is unwilling to bend on their goals, then it would have been insane to negotiate a diplomatic solution to the Lebanon War in the first place. It follows that if you believe that this whole peace process is a good thing, then you should also believe that we can convince Nasrallah to conduct the entire war in the news media. After all, as big as his victory was this time, with a full Hollywood special effects squad he could re-take Jerusalem and get control of the entire West Bank.

So here is my three-point plan for peace in the Middle East.

1. Sell all of Hezbollah's rockets to Japan to be converted into scrap metal, and use the proceeds to open a movie studio.
2. Have Dan Rather (who is currently unemployed) script a 12-part documentary on Hezbollah's victory over the Jews and the establishment of a Palestinian state. The series could be produced by filmmaker Michael Moore.
3. Divert a percentage of oil profits from the other Arab nations to produce alternative documentaries for other Middle Eastern ethnic groups. These could include a series in which Saddam won the Iraq War, one in which Iran wipes out all the Sunnis, and even one in which 9/11 was all a big hoax planned by Jewish conservatives.

Trust me, if the UN doesn't implement this plan, they're going to look pretty silly if Hezbollah starts firing rockets again.

UPDATE: Did I say if? I think I meant when.

Respectfully submitted,

Ferdinand T. Cat

# At Mon 7:14 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (0) | More Confused Americans for Truth | Tags: conservative Hassan Nasrallah Hizbollah humor Lebanon public relations satire terrorism UN War and Peace

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