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September 18, 2008

The Dimwit Zone - EMAIL Wars: the Terrible Truth About Joe Biden

by Ferdinand T Cat

Fair is fair, and given the depth to which Sarah Palin's privacy has been invaded, I thought I would take a look at the Democratic V.P. candidate's emails to see what kind of person will be a heartbeat away from the Obama presidency. So, I had Bruce hack into Senator Biden's home computer network and download a week's worth of emails from the Senator's inbox. Here are the results.

  • 16% of the emails were about small publicly-traded companies poised on the brink of a major breakthrough. These could be insider stock tips, or they could be a clever way for special interests to launder campaign contributions. I'm recommending an immediate investigation by the SEC and the Federal Election Commission.
  • 12% of the emails were electronic greeting card messages from friends. This could mean that Biden is a very popular person, or it could be lobbyists trying to solicit favorable treatment by flattering Biden before the election.
  • 26% of the emails offered cheap access to prescription drugs. Some were antidepressants, but others made completely ridiculous claims, such as Turn your love pistol into a bazooka. (This last is actually a mitigating factor, because it could indicate that Biden is softening his position on gun control.)
  • Finally, a whopping 52% of Senator Biden's emails were from bored Russian girls looking to contact him for the purpose of swapping photographs with an option to engage in a long-term romantic relationship. Most of these women were using a friend's email address for unspecified reasons. This could be a sign that Biden is an even bigger philanderer than former President Bill Clinton, or it could mean he's involved in some sort of complicated illegal immigration scheme.

So there you have it. Some may quibble with the methods I used to obtain this information, but the facts are indisputable: Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware is involved in some very dubious enterprises. Candidate Obama may want to reconsider the choice he made last month, or people will begin to question his judgment.

Respectfully submitted,

Ferdinand T. Cat

Trackposted to Blog @ MoreWhat.com, Rosemary's Thoughts, third world county, The World According to Carl, MacBros Reviews, The Pink Flamingo, Cao's Blog, Leaning Straight Up, and Wolf Pangloss, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.

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Tracked on September 18, 2008 11:23 AM

Comments

"Candidate Obama may want to reconsider the choice he made last month, or people will begin to question his judgment."

Too late.

:-)


Posted by: David at September 18, 2008 1:57 AM

Turn your love pistol into a bazooka. (This last is actually a mitigating factor, because it could indicate that Biden is softening his position on gun control.

Mixed Metaphor?

softening vs. bazooka? Made me laugh!


Posted by: Dean0 at September 18, 2008 8:17 AM

LOL. As if...who would want to e-mail him? Does he even know how to go to his "Mail" box? These are things the public is demanding to know! LOL.


Posted by: Rosemary at September 18, 2008 11:22 AM

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