Adventures with Bruce
96 entries
- Impossible Blast from the Past
# At March 15, 2009 4:57 PM | Tags: blivet culture family impossible figures internet optical illusions The Gremlin - Stimulating the Economy with the Undercover Mouse
Some time ago I told you all about a cat toy called the Undercover Mouse, and how much Lucky enjoyed playing with it. In fact, Lucky enjoyed playing with it so much that Bruce worried the little guy would exhaust...
# At February 21, 2009 10:36 PM | Tags: Barb cats conservative economics Lucky philosophy satire The Gremlin Undercover Mouse - The Mystery of the Hidden Camera
It's been quite a while since we published any pictures of me, so this afternoon I got into what I thought was an exceptionally gorgeous pose and waited for Bruce to take a picture. Bruce got the hint immediately, but...
# At February 12, 2009 9:54 PM | Tags: Barb cameras colors downside risk management family hair care humor Maggie satire - Just Enough Socialized Medicine to Make You Sick
# At February 10, 2009 1:38 PM | Tags: Barack Obama bureaucracy conservative family health care liberals philosophy stupidity technology Tom Daschle - A Blogpaddle for Bruce
I apologize for the three-day silence. It is my intention to post every day; however, I am still dependent on Bruce, who must edit everything written on this blog. The fact that everything is reviewed by an editor is, of...
# At January 26, 2009 9:23 AM | Tags: blogging colonoscopy family health humor medicine - An Important Note for Bruce's Coworkers
- Halloween with the Family
- An Important Warning That is Not Ripped From Today's Headlines
We live in dark times, with an uncertain economy, rumblings of a wider war, and the very real possibility that we haven't heard the end of the High School Musical franchise. As a result, I've felt a need to concentrate...
# At October 26, 2008 11:06 PM | Tags: conservative family humor Lucky music Rock Band 2 satire The Girl The Gremlin video games - A Non-Bitter Story About the New Laptop
Bruce's new laptop arrived on Thursday evening, and he has been spending most of the past three days setting it up. I say "most" because change of any sort is extremely stressful to Bruce, so he would periodically do some...
# At May 5, 2008 11:53 AM | Tags: conservative Hewlett-Packard HP Pavilion humor laptops liberals Palm Centro philosophy religion technology The Girl Windows Windows Vista x64 - Playing With Humans
- Talking to Peg-Eye Nate is Dangerous
- Christmas Break with The Girl and The Gremlin
- Barb and Maggie Making Christmas Cookies
- Fun with Health Care
Bruce spent the run up to the weekend doing more medical tests. The worst by far was the test to see if his diabetes was causing damage to his eyes. Since he's supposed to be losing weight, he decided to...
# At November 11, 2007 10:42 AM | Tags: diabetes eye tests glucose tests health care humor Krispy Kremes type 2 diabetes - Diabetes Education
Bruce has developed type 2 diabetes, so he spent the day at the doctor's office getting educated about his new lifestyle. To the average person, being diagnosed with an incurable illness would be traumatic, but this is Bruce's fourth, so...
# At November 1, 2007 11:23 PM | Tags: diabetes diet exercise health humor type 2 diabetes - Hunger Struck
- Glowing Soda Experiment
Recently, somebody uploaded a video on the I Am Bored web site that purports to show how to make Mountain Dew glow in the dark. The video is, in fact, a hoax, though apparently one of recent vintage. The people...
# At October 14, 2007 10:34 PM | Tags: hoax humor Mountain Dew nuclear proliferation satire soda pop uranium YouTube - Wer're Back, but There are Still Som Problems
A few weeks ago the Apple Software Update service attempted to install a new version of iTunes on Bruce's laptop. iTunes is a critical application for us because it's how we listen to the Laura Ingraham Show. The installation failed,...
# At September 6, 2007 8:57 AM | Tags: electricity flat tires humor iTunes recovery tongue Windows - Water is Really Dangerous Stuff
- It's Been a Rough Weekend
- The Local Sonic the Hedgehog
# At August 25, 2007 1:44 PM | Tags: family Gameworks humor mozzarella cheese Sargento's Sega Sonic the Hedgehog - A Sonic Problem
You may have noticed that the posting has been a little light lately. The problem is that we are legitimate journalists here, which means that an editor has to check each article before it's published. Our editor is Bruce, and...
# At August 21, 2007 6:02 PM | Tags: family humor Nintendo satire Sonic the Hedghog The Girl video games Virtual Console Wii - Barb and Nate Learn Why it is Important to Wear the Wrist Strap When Using the Wii Remote
- In Which I Deny Some Vicious Rumors
Regular readers know that Bruce's wife and The Gremlin are spending a year in North Dakota. The Gremlin has been gone for over a week now, and already the rumors are starting. I am a superior life form, and it...
# At August 7, 2007 8:14 AM | Tags: cats humor The Gremlin - Humans Are So Fragile
- One-handed Touch Typing Explained
- Not a Very Revolutionary Rubik
All Bruce wants is a Rubik's Cube like the one he had as a teenager, where you can play with it all you want and not worry about the colored stickers peeling off. He wants this because between his own...
# At June 17, 2007 11:07 AM | Tags: humor marketing Rubik's Cube rubik's revolution scam toys - This is Not One of the 101 Uses for a Banana Chair
- Graduation Problem
Today the twins are graduating from high school. Although the arrangements have all been handled by Bruce's wife and The Girl Who Feeds Me, Bruce is visibly nervous, and he keeps curling into a ball and moaning things like "my...
# At June 3, 2007 12:37 PM | Tags: Barb family fatherhood graduation high school humor love Maggie mozzarella cheese The Girl - An Open Letter to Bestselling Mystery Writers
Bruce is a voracious reader, devouring 2 or 3 novels a week. Due to this rapid pace, he is frequently forced to read mainstream stuff. This is a problem, because your standard New York Times Bestselling thriller tends to follow...
# At May 24, 2007 2:56 AM | Tags: books Christianity conservative culture elitism humor Jeffrey Deaver liberals Lincoln Rhyme satire The Empty Chair - Never Say "Impossible" to the Gremlin
- A Nightmare of Galactic Proportions
- About Being April Fooled by Point Five
As predicted, I feel really stupid, but Bruce doesn't care at all. See, when he sees someone in trouble, his natural instinct is to help. He gives money to beggars even though everybody tells him it's a stupid idea. Many...
# At April 2, 2007 2:59 PM | Tags: April Fool beggars hoax Point Five religion - Important Warning for Starbuck's Customers
Please, people, use some common sense when you're at a Starbuck's in the Chicago area. If you see a middle-aged guy in a red sweater setting up a laptop computer, a printer, and a rat's nest of wires, do not...
# At March 29, 2007 6:10 PM | Tags: bioinformatics family humor NMPDR satire Starbuck's - Welcome to the Twenty-First Century
- New Plots Needed for Fantasy and Science Fiction
Bruce reads a lot of books, mostly science fiction and fantasy. Lately, he's been noticing a disturbing sameness. Aside from the occasional military science fiction series, more and more tales of mankind's future tend to involve love stories centered around...
# At March 20, 2007 2:44 AM | Tags: allegory books family fantasy humor love religion satire science fiction - People Should Pay More Attention to What I Say
About six months ago, I generously informed the University of Illinois of an important opportunity: Bruce's twin daughters Barb and Maggie were available for enrollment for a small, reasonable, and untraceable fee. The twins are continuously on the honor roll,...
# At March 8, 2007 6:36 PM | Tags: Barb college family fatherhood humor Maggie The Girl University of Illinois - Games to Play with Your Teenage Children
Are your teenage children spending a lot of time watching anime cartoons and playing Japanese video games? Here's a useful trick you can use to help make yourself a part of their entertainment experience. Every thirty minutes or so, one...
# At February 11, 2007 7:13 PM | Tags: anime cartoons culture family gaming humor parents parody television video games - The Jabra BT8010 Experience
- An Important Thing to Know About My Blog
There is a growing number of people out there who seem to think that Bruce is a really smart guy who only pretends to be stupid and that I'm no more than a glorified ventriloquist's dummy. This is, fortunately, something...
# At January 22, 2007 1:15 PM | Tags: cats humor medicine mozzarella cheese parody Sargento's - Dear Everybody
Hello, I'm Ferdinand T. Cat and it's my turn this year to write the family Christmas letter. This year the Gremlin started seventh grade. The Gremlin and her sisters have traditionally served as the utility infielders of the junior high...
# At December 21, 2006 6:05 PM | Tags: Barb Bruce Christmas family Maggie NMPDR Peg-Eye Nate religion The Girl The Gremlin - Community Service
Bruce's daughter Maggie spends one day a month cooking for the homeless and teaches at a special sunday school for children with disabilities. Neither of these things qualify as community service, so she had to find something else in order...
# At November 19, 2006 9:13 PM | Tags: cats humor Maggie Manor Care pet therapy The Interloper - Maybe Soon We'll Be Back to Our Regular Programming
Nate and I are trying to convince Bruce to come out from his hiding place under the basement stairs. Is the post-election gloating and finger-pointing finally over?...
# At November 12, 2006 9:19 PM | Tags: humor Peg-Eye Nate satire - A Problem with Pull Tabs
- In Which I Predict a Big Problem in the Near Future
- When Homework Becomes Controversial
I have always felt that The Gremlin is highly intelligent. She proved me correct recently when she decided not to ask her father's help with a particular piece of homework. As a result, she avoided a rather strong negative reaction...
# At September 15, 2006 8:04 PM | Tags: conservative education environmentalism Global Warming humor parody plate tectonics The Gremlin - A Thoughtful and Unbiased Essay on Working with PERL and Java at the Same Time
- Computer Time
- Barb Gigamaster and the Wedding Reception Crisis
From a distance, Bruce's eldest daughter Barb appears to be a normal high school girl. If you look beneath the surface, there are some anomalies. For example, she has a tax-deferred retirement plan she set up when she was 12...
# At July 20, 2006 1:16 PM | Tags: Barb family fatherhood humor - A Paternal Tradition Runs into Trouble in the Modern Age
Being that this is Father's Day, I thought I'd tell a story about Bruce and his children. It is traditional in Bruce's family that parents are responsible for their children's education. When Bruce was growing up, his father spent many...
# At June 18, 2006 10:42 PM | Tags: conservative education family fatherhood humor public schools The Girl - Drinking Chocolate Through a Straw
- Riding a Bike
- Another Type of Profiling
Bruce works at a government lab, and one of the hazards is that as you go through the gate your car may be searched. The guards pick people more or less at random, and when Bruce is chosen he is...
# At May 11, 2006 11:40 AM - A Disturbance in the Morphogenetic Field
Bruce just had a major anxiety attack, which he described as "thousands of minds screaming in agony and then going silent." Is Al Gore giving a speech somewhere? Respectfully submitted,Ferdinand T. Cat...
# At May 5, 2006 1:11 PM - Bruce and the Train Helper Guy
Yesterday Bruce had to go downtown for jury duty at the Cook County Circuit Court. Cook County uses the One Day or One Trial system, which means that if you don't get put on an actual jury, you only have...
# At May 4, 2006 7:58 PM - The Stuff of Which Dreams Are Made
Bruce is visiting Peg-Eye Nate at the University of Illinois this weekend and earlier today they ended up working together at the campus Starbucks. During the sojourn, Bruce got an opportunity to do something every parent dreams of: he asked...
# At April 29, 2006 9:05 PM - Important Safety Tips
Part of the fun of living with Bruce is that you learn so many bits of knowledge that most people take for granted. Here are two things I've learned recently. Vaseline is a fluid. If you leave a jar of...
# At April 20, 2006 3:20 PM - It All Depends on How You Look at It
I would like to thank all the people who have expressed sympathy for Bruce's situation at work regarding the Typo3 Content Management System. Briefly, Bruce dropped out of sight for the better part of a week because he had to...
# At April 16, 2006 2:53 PM - Final Score: Gremlin $11K, Bruce Bankrupt
- A Bit of a Scare at a Government Lab
Here's a useful tip: if you work at a government laboratory that does research in nuclear physics, don't arrive at noon. There is simply no way to feel safe when there's a long line of cars trying to get through...
# At March 19, 2006 11:02 AM - The Flu Gets a Swift Kick in the Head
Bruce is fuzzy-brained at the best of times, but sometimes he out-does himself. He found that an arrangement of pillows on the couch in the music room would enable him to sit completely upright, which minimizes the chance of a...
# At March 8, 2006 11:59 AM - Bruce Learns How to Be a Good Employee
Bruce has been spending the day taking training courses required by the lab at which he works. The lab makes the courses available over the Internet, which is convenient because it means I can read over his shoulder and make...
# At March 1, 2006 11:56 AM - An Open Letter to the Sargento's Cheese Company
Dear Sir, Madam, or Whatever In modern America it is no longer possible to assume that women do all the grocery shopping. A typical Twenty-First Century grocery store is filled with husbands and fathers with only a vague idea of...
# At February 17, 2006 11:15 PM | Tags: cheese family humor parody Sargento's - Is Ted Kennedy an Illegal Biological Weapons Lab?
Bruce's job involves using computers to decode DNA sequences, and this afternoon he was invited to listen to a presentation on environmental DNA samples. These are slices of biological material which are processed into DNA sequences without being separated into...
# At January 26, 2006 10:05 PM - The Truth About Bruce
- Home Games
- Mysterious Delivery to the Lab
- Bruce and the Anxiety Attacks
Bruce has come up with a new organization system to help him work more efficiently. Naturally, there's a learning curve and he's missed two Funny Stuffs in a row; however, it's my belief he will eventually get caught up. Previously,...
# At October 24, 2005 9:36 AM - What the Heck Are They Teaching in Sixth Grade?
It is my belief that Bruce would not have fainted were it not for the fact he is still recovering from the flu. In any case, based on the accounts of witnesses present at the incident, I've been able to...
# At October 12, 2005 11:08 PM - Important Memo to Bruce
SHAKE the juice. DON'T SHAKE the soda. SHAKE the juice. DON'T SHAKE the soda. SHAKE the juice. DON'T SHAKE the soda. Respectfully submitted,Ferdinand T. Cat I'm going to smell like Mountain Dew for WEEKS....
# At October 12, 2005 4:13 AM - I Love My Family, But...
I think it is completely inappropriate to make fun of me for jumping so high. How was I to know? At close range, Bruce's sneeze does too sound like a bomb going off. Respectfully submitted,Ferdinand T. Cat...
# At October 9, 2005 11:44 PM - Peg-Eye Nate and the Schaumburg Youth Orchestra
- An Open Letter to the Dyke Diva
Despite repeated requests that you remove us from your mailing list, we are still getting EMAILs from you. These EMAILs are useless for the following reason: Bruce is NOT a lesbian. Bruce has no interest in lesbian speed dating. There...
# At September 19, 2005 4:30 PM - Things Are Going to be OK
I'd like to thank everybody for their thoughts and prayers while Bruce's sense of humor was missing. I am happy to report that it has been found. Apparently, Laura Ingraham had it, because it came back this morning when he...
# At September 7, 2005 6:32 PM - Another Hurricane Tragedy
Please help! My pet Bruce has lost his sense of humor! It was last seen reading articles about Hurricane Katrina on the Huffington Post. I have tried coaxing it back with a Terry Pratchett Discworld novel, but there's still been...
# At September 2, 2005 7:58 AM - Don't Make This Mistake
The New York Times is currently conducting a subscription drive, and today they called Bruce to ask him if he wanted an 8-week subscription to that particular newspaper. If this happens to you, just hang up: do not tell them...
# At August 25, 2005 4:45 PM - An Open Letter to the University of Illinois
On September 8, at 5:30pm, Professor Sam Kamin of The University of Illinois at Urbana will be giving a two-hour presentation on the Computer Science Department's efforts to increase female enrollment. I think this is a good idea, but I...
# At August 23, 2005 4:24 PM | Tags: Barb college family feminism humor Maggie University of Illinois - The Interloper Is Up to No Good Again
Long-time readers may remember that Bruce requires a CPAP machine while sleeping. The machine attaches via a long hose to a mask he wears on his face, and blows air down his nostrils so that he doesn't stop breathing. Bruce...
# At August 1, 2005 7:18 PM - Chaos Theory
Chaos theory states that a small change can have big effects. This is undisputably true. Thanks to a combination of small annoyances-- person A had to go to a funeral, person B forgot to do a backup, person C had...
# At July 22, 2005 8:38 AM - The Most Terrible of All Bio-weapons
As I have mentioned on many occasions. Bruce works for a group doing research in molecular biology. In particular, they're building a database that can be used to determine what makes certain pathogens dangerous to humans, with the eventual hope...
# At June 17, 2005 8:07 PM - High-Tech Chairs
Bruce's work frequently takes him to a local government laboratory where he consults with a team of molecular biologists. The odd funding process of government science research leads to a strange combination of cutting-edge technology and lowest-bidder office supplies. Today...
# At June 15, 2005 4:00 AM - Preventing Harassment
Bruce works with a government lab, and periodically he journeys there to meet with his colleagues. Today he came home with a brightly-colored brochure called Equal Opportunity and Non-Harassment. Bruce has always had difficulty interacting with humans, so he picked...
# At June 9, 2005 1:04 PM - The Speedometer Story
For as long as I can remember, Bruce has been worried about the speedometer on his car. Though the local car repair place can't find anything wrong with it, whenever he gets onto an interstate highway, something goes haywire and...
# At May 28, 2005 3:08 PM - Barb Gigamaster and the Pizza Party Hide and Seek Game
- Identity Crisis
It has come to my attention that there is a guy named "Bruce" in Virginia who is a computer scientist and stay-at-home Dad and who looks like my pet Bruce. This is a serious problem, because this totally innocent guy...
# At May 5, 2005 11:43 AM - Somebody is not Doing Their Job
I live with a movie buff, okay? He uses Netflix. I've had to watch Kill Me Later and Lawnmower Man 2. Couldn't somebody have warned me that Jane Fonda is doing movies again? Respectfully submitted, Ferdinand T. Cat...
# At April 27, 2005 1:56 AM - Barb Gigamaster at Breakfast
- The Thing With Monitors
Given that I am a superior life form, I feel it is my responsibility to protect my pet's reputation. I would like to put a stop to some very misleading rumors that I believe are being spread by Bruce's former...
# At April 20, 2005 1:59 AM - It's Time to Pull the Plug
Hi! I'm Tallulah, and I'm the sole voice for reality-based thinking on this blog. Today I want to talk about Ferdy's pet human Bruce. I'm very concerned about Bruce's quality of life. For one thing, he's in constant physical pain...
# At April 17, 2005 12:18 PM - Labels
These days, we are constantly assaulted by warning labels. I'm sure many of you believe we've gone over-the-top silly with the things. (For example, one of the warnings on Bruce's bottle of sleeping pills claims that it "may cause drowsiness".)...
# At March 4, 2005 3:00 PM - An Example of How I'm Protecting You
Bruce made a recent discovery and wanted to post it on the Carnival of the Recipes. For reasons that will shortly become clear, I nixed the entire idea; however, I know some people think that I'm just some fictional persona...
# At February 28, 2005 1:33 PM - What Is This Thing Called Genius?
People often wonder how it is that Bruce and I can function so well as a team. I think it's because he understands the nature of genius. Now, a lot of people think Bruce is a genius because he knows...
# At January 9, 2005 12:15 AM | Tags: Bob Frankston computers genius gifted hard drives humor IBM learning disorders Lotus - Re-united and Mostly Okay
- The Interloper: A Progress Report
- Working with Visual Studio
Today while working on a database application, Bruce delivered an in-depth description of what it's like to work with the Microsoft Visual Studio development system. Since I don't know very much about computer software, I have included his remarks un-edited....
# At December 20, 2004 1:04 PM | Tags: humor Microsoft programming satire - The Tongue Incident
